Recently James, Ailsa and I headed back up to Scotland for a long weekend to stay with family and visit friends. We had some fab things planed and best of all I was due to have an afternoon and evening of me time. No Ailsa, No hubby, Just me and my best friends from home. I was booked in to get my hair done and then meet the girls afterwards for drinks, dinner, lots of laughter and maybe a bit of dancing. It was a week before my birthday and I couldn't have been more excited. I haven't seen my friends since we were last in Scotland at Christmas and it would be our first girls night since before I became pregnant 2 years ago. However things didn't go quite to plan with all 3 of us (and eventually the rest of our immediate family) succumbing to a horrid sickness bug. I did make it to the hairdressers but it was there that the sickness hit me. The rest of the day had to be cancelled as I definitely did not want my friends to catch it and I felt like death.
Although the rest of the day I didn't need to worry about childcare, as I could hardly look after myself in my poorly state never mind Ailsa. It wasn't the kind of me time I had in mind and I am so disappointed that it turned out how it did but I also feel incredibly guilty for wanting that time off from being a mummy. Being a Mum can be so rewarding but some days are just hard and it isn't often I take any time for myself. I always make excuses to not have a bath incase I am needed and I hate to leave Ailsa with anyone no matter how much I trust them as I feel so guilty that she will miss me.
I am now still left with this feeling of needing some me time. Some time to go out and feel like the me 2 years ago where I could let my hair down and have a few cocktails or glasses of wine. I do feel so so guilty for wanting that time away from my child though and I really struggle to get past that feeling. Ailsa is my world and at times I want to be with her every second as I don't want to miss out on anything but then there are other times when she's had one too many tantrums and pushed all my buttons that I feel I need to just run out of the door and feel free, even if it is just for an hour. Being a mum is so hard and no one ever told me just how hard it would be and that Mummy guilt comes with the job.
This past weekend I had girls night in with some Mummy friends and I was able to watch a movie and have a few glasses of wine and you know what, Ailsa was quite happy spending the night with Daddy. Yes she asked for me a few times but she didn't cry and wasn't sad that I wasn't there she was just fine. I think I struggle to let go a bit and that is something I need to deal with. Next time we head to Scotland I will most definitely be having that night with my Besties and let my hair down! We all need some "Me Time" every now and again.
Labels: Ailsa, guilt, mummy
